Thursday, August 27, 2009

Biscuit Breakdown

7:30am Saturday morning...I awoke to the loud buzz of a lawn mower outside my bedroom window. Who the hell would be mowing their lawn this early on a Saturday morning?! I roll over clutching at the ruffled pile of sheets searching for my hubby to snuggle up to...hmm, that's funny...he's not...awww, maaaan!! Since when did waking the neighborhood with the soundtrack of Texas Chainsaw Massacre trump a morning in bed with your wife?!

I almost make it to the back door ready to give a piece of my mind and this pesky little voice creeps in..."Love is patient, love is kind..." blah, blah, blah! Shut UP!!

The subconscious HAS to be a mother...always talking and never listening to MY side of the story!

Fine, I give! I turn around and surrender to the matronly voice. Besides, I'm starving and you should never argue on an empty stomach.

As my head clears, I think about breakfast and how it would be so wifely of me to make breakfast for Mr. Green Thumb out there.

Pancakes? Cinnamon Rolls? Oh! I’ll make some homemade biscuits! Do I know how to make biscuits, no, but it can't be that difficult. After all, I have a KITCHEN AID MIXER! (side note: this is the story that I bust the “kitchen aides can do everything” myth)

I google 'biscuit recipe' and viola...Martha Stewart Biscuits pops up. I start collecting the ingredients...eggs...check, flour...check, butter...hmm, nope. Welp, guess it's an early morning store run!

I grab my keys and wallet and burst out the front door. I fly past my bewildered hubby standing there with the garden hose.

"Where are you going?"

"To the store, I feel like cooking!"

This kind of culinary undertaking is a rare occurrence. An apprehensive smile creeps across his face.

When I return I am brimming with my new found confidence in cooking and I start to read the instructions to the recipe.

1) MIX ingredient A, B, and C in a large bowl.

Oh look the Kitchen Aide has a “large bowl” attached and ready for me to use. Perfect, in you go! Drop mixing arm, lock into place, turn on, “mix” and…done. Next…

2) MIX ingredient D, E and F in a separate bowl.

Alright, I can do that…done.

3) FOLD (hmm, that surely can be translated MIX) wet mixture into dry mixture slowly. Batter should still have lumps.

Lumps? That’s weird who wants lumps in their biscuits, not me! Ok, wet mixture, into the Kitchen Aide. Put the stirrer thingy on the “slow” setting, mix and…ok…wait…it said it would thicken…hmm. I bet I didn’t add enough flour. Add flour, mix and…hmm…not quite thick enough. Add flour, mix again…ok, that looks pretty thick…done.

4) Sprinkle flour on a wax sheet and roll out dough, flatten and cut into circles.

Ok, sprinkled the flour and now I’ll just dump this bowl out onto the cutting board like so…
oh noooo…I don’t think it’s supposed to look like that…

The “dough” aka sloppy mush is starting to ooze its way toward the edge of the cutting board. My hands are furiously trying to keep the ball of glop in a neat circle as my husband walks by and immediately burst out laughing.

He comes to help as I try to maneuver the mess back into the damn Kitchen Aide mixing bowl. Immediately, a rush of feminine ineptitude floods into my head and blubbers out of me like freaking Old Faithful!

“I’m never going to be a good wife for you!” (sniffle)

“We are going to starve!” (snort)

“They are going to take our children away from us for malnourishment!” (sniffle, sniffle, snort)

My husband starts laughing even harder which makes me cry harder. He should not be laughing, that jerk! He should be hugging me and saying,

“No, honey, you are a perfect wife.”

“Our children will love you and be fat and happy, don’t worry."

“Soon you won’t have to worry about cooking because I’ll be making enough money that we can hire a cook.”

As the scenarios of what he should have said play out in my mind, I realize that in my attempt to wipe away tears I have smeared the slop onto my face like some cheap drugstore mask. Nice.
As is customary in the kitchen for our household, I melt into a puddle of tears and my husband works to repair the damage. Like magic, he has the biscuits on a pan and puts them in the oven. Wow, salt in the wound.

I call my mommy.

She proceeds to tell me exactly what I did wrong as well as the all too familiar phrase, “You aren’t the only new bride to cry over cooking.”

My narcissism tells me differently. I am convinced that everyone else makes perfect biscuits the first time and they are probably eating them right now with their homemade jam…I hate them.

Finally, my morning ends with my hubby and I sitting on the couch crunching into our brick hard biscuits topped with store bought Welch’s grape jelly.

Later, I get showered and dressed and head off to do an activity at which I am a true proficient…


…shopping.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The "Good" Wife's Mythbusters

1) No matter how many times you try, your Kitchen Aide Mixer cannot and should not be used for every recipe that says "mix." (i.e. biscuit dough!) Also, note to self: flour should be... "added to wet mixture"... at a low speed.

2) The rumors are true...you will never get back to your wedding dress weight! (especially if you are using the utensil above on a regular basis.)

3) Grilled Chicken can and does get old...that's why you should have a standby list of takeout numbers.

4) Martha Stewart recipes ARE NOT EASY...no matter what she says on her dumb show/website...stupid B*&%^!

5) Boys consume A LOT of food! (If you grew up with boys, good for you! If you grew up in a high-estrogen home then you probably agree that their massive consumption is appalling!)


*More mythbusters to come as they are revealed...

Monday, August 24, 2009

The "Good" Wife Defined

I am dedicating this blog to all of the New Wives out there who have been, at one time or another, a "good wife" stereotype nurturer. Destined from girlhood to attain June Cleaver status, though never really hitting the mark, and confident that every other newlywed has it ALL figured out. Hopefully, you will laugh, cry, maybe even sympathize with my... um, i mean, the "good" wife's memoirs.

This is to you girls! Enjoy!

**Disclaimer** Publications from this blog are most certainly not from personal experience. Simply compilations from, er, other "Good" wives. The title is purely ironic and in no way am I confirming these actions as anything a real "Good Wife" would do.